Horrid

Such awful awful nightmares. Can’t believe how bad they are. Even though I’ve slept for 6 hours I feel totally exhausted upon waking up. Banging headache too. Also the feeling of loneliness is creeping up stronger and stronger. I know in my mind that people are going all out to support me and I feel the weight of people’s love and prayers and all the practical things that people are doing for me and I thank God for them all, really I do, but there is something in me that feels part of me has been forcibly extracted and in totally despair while the other part is working overtime to maintain order and keep going. There’s part of me that wants to be practical and get on with things and part of me that has crumbled beyond recognition. I just want him back sooooooooooooo much….