Frustration

Have sat on the sofa for 2 hours trying to get myself to cry, just so I feel something and it feels real. Had about 5 tears, that’s been all. I want to cry, I want to release something and I can’t. I put John’s wedding ring on a chain today which I am now wearing and I thought that action alone would break me, but no. Don’t get me wrong I have cried a lot but not for 2/3 days and it’s weird, I want to cry cause I know it’s coming, I know once the shock has worn off it’s going to be totally debilitating, so I’d rather have it now when I’m at home than when I’m with people… so fed up…. so many thoughts all at once…