Hardest

Sundays are so hard… John loved Sundays and loved church. And I need to go to church but going out the house makes it worse as the realisation hits you, time and time again, I think that’s why I was so exhausted yesterday and I only went shopping with my sister. One thing my Pastor said that is sticking with me right now is to understand you need to stand under. Standing under this is the hardest weight of all. This is so heavy sometimes I feel I can’t even move a muscle. I need Gods mercy desperately, I need His grace just to be able to move. I am so aware of my weakness it’s so immense. I feel as if I have nothing to give, I feel I am totally bankrupt in every sense of the word and I wonder how God is going to sort me and my life out. I am aware of the magnitude of the Almighty in a way I never have been before, and it’s comforting but scary in a fear of the Lord way if that makes any sense…

Gonna try and go church now even though I feel I can’t even stand up or move an inch because of the sense of loss I’m feeling at the minute is totally overwhelming. But I’ll try…