Difficult

Went to prayer tonight. The only word I have for it is difficult. There such a range of thoughts and emotions going on inside me about all kinds of things not just about John and everything that comes with that. It’s like my mind is spinning. Like I drift in and out of reality and then into thoughts and then back to reality and then off on a tangent. My faith is so….strange … it is the only word for it really… I believe everything I used to, or do I? Yes I do, maybe? There’s power in the name of Jesus, yes I believe that but there wasn’t any power in His name when I was praying in the surgery room and the doctors were taking a vote on whether to stop trying to resuscitate John…where was the power then????? But I love the Lord and I understand that He is sovereign (whatever that means) and I don’t want to forsake Him but I also don’t want to be fake with Him either, how can I hold all these things together? And then I’m annoyed at myself for casting doubt upon the Lord, cause truly He is the only thing I have, and I desperately don’t want to hurt Him, but equally if feels like He has done me the greatest harm ever…and I can hear the arguments of – He will never harm you, and it’s wasn’t His fault, Or His will etc etc, but the truth is He could have stepped in and He chose not to, there by hurting me as a consequence of not stepping in. But here’s the thing. If God is sovereign which I claim to believe, He will have a reason for why He did what He did, and actually He doesn’t have to tell me what that reason is, because after all who am I? And it’s not really about me. God purposes and plan do not revolve around me even though they include me. He does have a over all purpose, but that is the hardest thing to hold onto when it feels like life has no purpose now. So as the beautiful lady who messaged me yesterday said – Keep praying – Let me honour God and honour my husband. My plan now is to find out what the out working of that is, when the grief has subsided a little. God help me.