The shadow

Went first service today, cried all the way there and through about 85% of it. Thought I was going to burst with the pain at the start. Came home, watched some tv, fell asleep, woke up and feel so tired. Grief is knackering. And it feels like it’s getting harder and harder. And I feel more exhausted every passing day. The loneliness is so immense. It really is like having a shadow over you. You know when you sit half in the sun and half in the shade, and even though you try to ignore it the shadow is cold and dark so you move all the way into the sun. So even though I know the sun is shining the shadow is so dark, and cold and heavy and I cannot move out of it, as there is no where to move yet. Not sure that makes sense, but it does to me.