Raw

At church. Want to run away. So painful. It feels like the enemy is screaming at me. “See she’s not even worshipping You God” “I knew she would forsake You one day” etc etc.

Coming to church is like opening up a wound and creating new ones as remember all that John did here and how he is not any longer and I am lost in it. Feel like such a leper. I just stand and cry during worship. What good is that to anyone?

I just want John back so bad and no-one understands. I should be further on, I should be singing and lifting my hands and I’m not cause the reality is The name of Jesus wasn’t powerful when I needed it most. What do I do with that now?? It hurts me on so many levels. One because John died but also because actually everything I believed about Jesus and Him being all powerful and Him able to do the impossible and none of it happened. Where does this leave me? It’s like my faith has been shipwrecked and I’m just floating in an ocean of nothingness. 

And now I just feel terrible for writing this while I’m in church. And so the vicious cycles continue in never ending circles.