Flawed.

Sat in Manchester Cathedral, ‘having it out’ with God. Asking Him how and why. Told Him how disappointed I am that He never answered my prayers for John to recover when they were trying to resuscitate him, and asking how can taking him be a good thing, if God is a good Father how can that be? Realised if I live in a fallen world, is my perception of good flawed? And if so could there somehow or some way (can’t believe I’m even gonna write/contemplate this..) God taking John when He did be considered somehow ‘good’😳 ?? 

Once heard someone say that God spoke to them and said ‘Accept what I allow’ Not sure if you can take Gods words to someone else and feel like that maybe what God is saying to you 🤔. How on earth am I suppose to just accept this and crack on. How? It so hard to believe that God understands. How do I praise Him? How? How do I believe everything that I used to, when I needed everything that I believe about Him to be true nothing happened. And my conclusion is, who is God anyway? Sadly I feel like I don’t know who He is. And this is killing me. Nearly been a Christian for 21 years and now I’m not even sure who God is cause He is not who I thought He was and that is the truth. Do I know Him? Breaks my heart to say it but no I don’t…. I don’t know who He is or what He is about or His ways.

 Look at Jesus then, springs to mind. ‘If you have seen me, you have seen the Father’ but that’s the whole point isn’t it, I haven’t SEEN Jesus, I’ve read about Him. ‘When the Holy Spirit comes He will lead you into all truth’ – Clearly I was listening to someone else as I was lead up the garden path, to believe that God can do anything through the power of the name of Jesus, even bring people back to life, but guess what here I am a widow, so don’t talk to me about God doing the impossible because He didn’t. So who is He? And how come I can’t get away from Him? He makes me so angry and hurt and I hope He knows this. I do not want to be angry and I do not want to be bitter either, but what do I do? What do I believe? What do I say to Him? 

How can I honour someone I don’t really know? What a question that is! 

Feel better for clearing some of the air. Have to somehow face church and prayer tonight, hmmm. Dreading it. Just want to wake up from this awful awful nightmare.