Lost

Even as I write I’m annoyed, frustrated, fed up and sad. Only lasted 35 mins at church. Didn’t even make the preaching. Started crying when I left my house. When I got to church and saw my friend outside absolutely sobbed my heart out and that was before I even got in the door. Some how managed to compose myself and go in and sit down. But by the time it had got to the tithes I couldn’t handle it anymore. So I left and felt ridiculous for leaving, felt guilty and ashamed. Felt I’d let myself down, John down and the church down, so felt even worse than I had when I started out to church. Not good. But seriously I couldn’t handle it, I mean really. I wanted to have a proper full unstoppable loud wailing melt down. Can you imagine? In the middle of taking up the offering? And I knew it was coming so just legged it. The thoughts that hit me are: Am I suppressing some of my grief? Will this always haunt me at my church? Will it just pass with time, as at the moment it isn’t? What exactly is this? And another thing is people who haven’t experienced this, some of them can be very understanding and sympathetic and empathetic and I think God for them but if they have never been through it they don’t really understand the complexness (might have made that word up, sorry) of it. It is true that I can go into other worship places and maintain a modicum of composure even though I cry and there are still times that I want to leg it, but it’s just about manageable. At my church it is not. It took everything within me on Thursday when I went to worship practice to stay in the building, and I only managed that because I was hidden away at the back. Is it a pride problem? Don’t know. Could I cry like this at home?  There have been many times when I have yes, of course, but it’s ok I can just go to bed afterwards when it’s all over and sleep, at church I cannot do that I have to face people I have to walk out the church drive or be driven home and it’s messy and horrible and maybe it is pride but I don’t want people to see that and think I’m a lunactic. “Remember the time that person had a meltdown during a random moment of the service and had to be carried out?” Is not a line I want spoken about myself. Not everyone knows me in church and knows what I’m going through so to them it would be random and highly inappropriate. But there’s more to this. I moved to my church for John, not that I didn’t want to or that God didn’t say to, all of those things are true, I knew John was a leader so I asked the Lord whether it was right for me to go, and He gave me a visible unmistakable sign, that it was right while we were dating to move across. It was a smaller church then and everyone knew who I was, the moment I walked in people said “And you must be John’s girlfriend?” When we weren’t serving which was very rare, we would sit together. So now I walk into church and what? It may seem like a minute detail, but to me it’s massive. Where do I sit? I have been offered a place at the front but I can’t sit there, it’s too much, it’s too unnatural, and maybe it’s pride, it’s too on display, crying in front of everyone STILL. Nope not happening. John used to sit in more or less the same seat, so every time I’m there I look over expectingly to find him he’s not there, obviously that helps the emotions…. Lovely kind people offer to sit with me, which I am grateful for but you know what, make the most of the time to sit by your spouse, cause I would give anything to sit next to mine. So I sit mostly at the back, I try to sit with people, but when I cry people either have no idea what to do, want to comfort me which is impossible, or move away. So what do I do? Someone said to me “You’re lost here aren’t you?” What a precise remark. Yes I am lost, and not just here, everywhere I go. Totally lost without John. I have no idea what I’m doing, where I’m going and how I’m going to do it. Now you may ask “What about the Lord?” Good question, “Surely you are found in Him, He will direct You, and sort it out.” And that is true. He will but right now it certainly doesn’t  feel like that. Not that I live by my feelings although this post would suggest otherwise…. see how complex this whole thing is? I feel like a walking contradiction. And what’s weird is the only song I have in my head is James Morrison “Undiscovered” and the chorus says “I’m not lost just undiscovered.” Helpful. Not.