The temporary paralysis of grief

In just over three weeks it will be the first year anniversary of John going to be with The Lord, and I feel like I’ve circled back round to deep almost uncontrollable grief, which I did not see coming at all. I had such an amazing time away at my uni Residential and God spoke so clearly, so for the following week I drifted through it alright, then his just snuck up on me. Cried so much in the last few days even cried the most I ever have done at bereavement counselling. And I genuinely dislike being sad so for me it’s really hard. Woke up and the first thing I did was cry.. I had many of those days last year and I don’t like it… as I can’t seem to recover afterwards… so now the whole day seems shaky and I’ve sobbed my heart out again after eating breakfast… it’s exhausting. There are things I have to do for the Accountants and I would like to be able to get some work and study done today… how ever I don’t think that’s going to be possible now… it’s like all the energy and reserves have been sucked out of me… and it’s 9:02am…. God was right, I’m not ready for anything yet.