Scared.

Lyrics from a song can be so powerful and this one spoke so much to me:

“I walk through desert plains here in the open range. Feel like a renegade looking to runaway. Here in the wilderness I’m coming face to face with all that I have done and who I will become.” – In the Grey -William Matthews.

This is so on point right now. I feel like I’m crawling over my whole life AGAIN and trying to work out who I will become. I’m so frustrated that I feel in the same place as I have already been in a few times since John died, and I don’t know whether Paula passing away has churned this back around which could well be likely or events that are rumbling on in my life are triggering it, or a mixture. Regardless it’s a scary place to be, I don’t want to review my whole life again and go over things, I also have no idea who I will become but I am trying to surrender everything to God so that He can make something beautiful out of me. I love Him so much and desire to be close to Him at all times and in all places. I can honestly say I have never wanted The Lord more than I want Him right now…. what does that even mean? I want Him? These are phrases I say without reviewing, and now I have thought about it, what does it mean? I want Him closer than ever before, I want Him in all His fullness, (but that would kill me so..). There are so many times when I feel like a little lost girl not knowing what I’m doing. My only option is to trust God. It’s a scary world without your mum, your husband and one of your sisters. And worse still no other person can give me the answers I’m looking for in terms of what I do and who I become. It has to come from The Lord. And I wonder why I can’t concentrate on anything?? I just want to fast forward this until I’m out the other side and life is better and clearer.