Overload.

I am tired, I feel like I’m always in my head, constantly trying to work everything out and even when I’m not doing that I’m thinking about everything deeply. I can’t seem to chill out. It’s wrecking my head. I need some fun, I need something else to think about and something else lighthearted to think about. I’m in desperate need of a really really good long laugh. I need a holiday. I need to get away so badly. And there’s just no way that is happening or even slightly anywhere in sight. I’m so tired of being sad and lonely. I need real consistent friendship and deep laughter like I’ve never needed it before… but who has the time for that? Maybe I’m just missing John without being able to articulate it in this way before. I know I’m holding on, trying to get to the next season or stage of my life or whatever terminology you want to use. It’s ridiculously hard at the minute, I honestly have no idea whether I’m coming or going in SO many different areas, my gosh. I just want all the things that are up in the air at the moment to be settled. Sometimes I have no idea who I am or what I want or like, or even think.  With that in mind… and I may regret this later but I feel I need to make some conscious decisions and cement somethings to somewhere about something somehow.  So here goes…(Take me or leave me). I am still a Christian and love The Lord more than I ever have and am more committed to Him and more serious about Him than any other time of my life. I worry about offending people most of the waking day. I believe Brexit is wrong and needs to be stopped. I enjoy driving but worry about the environmental impact. I can not do maths, not even timetables. I love 90’s pop music. I 100% reject Penal Substitutionary Atonement Theory. I will always be a dog lover, no matter what. I do not like Coriander or any solid food that is red. Simon Baker is one of the most handsome people on the planet. I am still trying to make John proud and feel I am failing consistently. Nancy Carol is my favourite actress followed closely by Gillian Anderson. I’m trying to hold everything and everyone loosely. I want to have a favourite musical artist and a favourite paint artist but I don’t. I have no dress sense. I worry I am lazy. Blue is still my favourite colour. I am an affirming ally of the Christian LGBTQ+ community, who are my beautiful sisters and brothers in Christ. I love the seaside. Winter is no longer my favourite season, spring is. I do not want to be a poster girl for bereaved people or widows. I desire a daily fitness regime.  I am missing so many people from different times and places in my life that sometimes it makes me cry. I want to live more simply.  I worry I haven’t grieved my sister’s death properly. I cannot eat bread without butter on it. I’m addicted to liturgy.  I want to be kinder and gentler. I could watch detective series all day, every day. I am still seriously considering a monastic life despite the numerous monthly signs that suggest someday I should be ordained. I am going grey and I’m gonna go with it. I am no longer worried about changing my mind on things. My favourite saint is Saint Ignatius of Loyola who I sometimes talk to, and refer to him as Iggy.  I still hate putting the bins out and washing up.  I find swearing in context brings me relief. I’m always worried that I’m ungrateful. I have rejected dispensationalism.  I love romance. I have always wanted to take up ballroom dancing. I am worried about having regrets about the decisions I make. I still believe alcohol to be one of the evilest things on the planet.  I hate silent houses but I love silent churches. I want to be overly neat and tidy. Anglo-Catholic worship flicks my switches. I hate most fruit. I err on the side of escapism more often than not. I enjoy a good sing. Even though I don’t want to, I still believe everything happens for a reason. I love jewellery.

So now you know and so do I.

Till next time.