Treading water

Yesterday I went to see one of my good friends who I haven’t caught up with in actual years. It was so good to see them and hear all about their life and whats happening. We reminisced about times with John and I recalled how we had employed them in our business and how distant that all feels now. I was anxious when I set off to my friends because I genuinely didn’t know how I would feel, because of the length of time, the isolation of the last year and a half and because my memories with them are all when John was alive. I was excited to see them as I love them to bits and they have always been kind to me, and they dropped off food when Dad died and I had to self isolate in Feb. On the way home in the car I felt really conflict in my feelings, on one hand I was so grateful to see them and spend time with them and on the other hand I was so sad that I missed the life I had with John. Its crazy now to think that I used to have a business that employed 14 people at one point. Granted it was John’s business and he was the brains behind it but I played my part as best I could. It is really difficult not to start comparing my life back then to my life now. I have to fight so hard against that. I need to remember I am in a very different place now and life is very different. Yes back then I felt like we could do anything and we were heading somewhere and making a real difference in the community and the world, and now I feel tiny and like I have no direction. If the Lord could give me some direction that would really help me, I’m in desperate need of some. Part of my problem is I knew that when I was with John everything would be ok even if it wasn’t. We had been through some really difficult and hopeless situations but together we had got through them and we knew where we were heading and what we wanted to do. Now I sometimes have no idea whether I will make it through the next week or not. Not that I would do anything to end my life but more that I won’t be able to get out of bed cause I will have started to give up. Despite it being 4 and a half years since John died I still have no direction or purpose to who I am or where I’m going in life. Now some will say, you don’t need it, loads of people don’t have it. But I need a little bit of something. It might be that I just need a good sleep and I will feel better. (The heat has been awful.) Others might say I depended on John too much for my purpose and direction and maybe thats true, all I can tell you is when I was with him I knew what we were about and where we were going. I have worked really hard on knowing who I am and what I am about and I’m happy with the progress I have made. However, I still feel like I am lost at sea just treading water.