Anniversaries

Haven’t written for a while! Just haven’t had the words or the energy. The world has been exhausting with the pandemic and the nonsense politics Johnson and the Conservatives are subjecting us too. 😡 Don’t get me started cause I might not stop on that! So moving on. Anniversaries. You would think that after having roughly 19 different anniversaries /birthdays since John/Paula/Dad died (more if you count my wedding anniversary as a day, cause sometimes it is believe me!) I would have realised that the aftermath can be just as long and hard as the build up to the anniversary/birthday. I don’t know why I forget this. I remembered to take the day off work the day after John’s fifth anniversary of him dying and the build up was awful. The day before I felt like it had just happened again. All the pain and the despair was so visceral. Because of this I anticipated that the day after I could rest and recover and then I would be back up and on with things. However it has not played out this way. I am exhausted and my mind is a total fog. I am struggling with just about everything and even though I am managing to function, I am only just managing by the skin of my teeth. All uni work has ground to a halt cause my mind can’t get a handle on it whatsoever. And it really needs to as have an essay due in 10 days time. Plus need to work on my dissertation asap. I have never had an overhang of grief from an anniversary go on for days like it has done. I am unprepared. Please note all of the grief and brain fog is arising from my subconscious. I am not willing any of it. I do wonder if it is because Dads first year anniversary was so close to John’s 5th and whether the two grief’s have collapsed into each other. I also wonder the effect of the pandemic on the grief I have/haven’t had for my Dad. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️. All I can say is: It’s A LOT. I had an extra session with my therapist last week as I keep having nightmares and they are terrifying and exhausting to see if that would help, but it has not so far. Every night there is a traumatic dream of some sort or a night terror where I don’t know whether I am awake or a asleep. Vile. Know that I’m trying my best, but navigating it is rough at the minute. Anniversaries and the days leading up to, the day and the days following can be unpredictable and when you have so many a year like I do it’s tiring. I try to ignore them but that doesn’t work, my subconscious just kicks off. Sometimes they are awful, sometimes they pass by with relative interruption. My therapist says I’m doing really well all things considered. I guess I just need to be happy with that.