Pain, confidence, fragility and faith

So after having a searing pain in the top back of my thigh I ended up at an emergency Doctors at 2am on Saturday morning. Turns out its a trapped nerve, thankfully not a blood clot like they suspected. I had about 5 hours sleep in total from Friday till Tuesday and boy was I a wreck, tired, irritable and like a toddler. Trying to function normally and failing. Making stupid decisions that no doubt will come back to haunt me in the next few months as I got scared about security, as there has been a spate of break ins on the estate and spent money I don’t have on security devices. The tiredness and pain just piled up on my low self confidence to do with my dissertation and being overwhelmed by it with. I just don’t feel I can do it and its driving me crazy. I feel I don’t understand anything I am reading and sitting down to write I just cry and walk away. Very scared its not going to get done, and devastated at the thought. I want to do it so bad and I want to get it in but its not happening no matter how hard I try. All this has made me think about how fragile I am. I always say life is fragile due to everything that’s gone on, and losing members of my family in sudden and tragic ways but I never really see myself as fragile. By God’s grace I keep on going despite most circumstances but recent events have made me see that a few things can upset me and cause me to spiral. I was prescribed some painkillers by the Doctor but they are also anti depressants. I have nothing against antidepressants if someone needs to take them, however I do know that if you only take them for a short time which I would be they can make your mood worse, and I currently cannot let that happen. Especially give what happened to my Sister dying by suicide. I have to remain vigil about this. I am in a low place but I am not there thankfully and I cannot let myself go for the sake of my family or go anywhere near there. I have seen how fragile I am now, I’m not 100% sure what I do or how I get out of where I am at. Yesterday I spoke to my friend Habiba and as we normally do, she quizzes me on Christianity and I quiz her on Islam and how they effect our lives and behaviour. Only yesterday both of us were in a low mood, so it wasn’t our normal high energy bouncing off each other. I went first, “In Christianity we talk about how/what God is doing in our life/s, do you have an equivalent of that?” Then she gave an answer I had not expected but that articulated so honestly how I feel about my faith at the moment it stopped me in my tracks completely: “Well, apart from feeling abandoned by God and like he is not doing anything at all, even though I know thats not true and I am not going to walk away, yeah we do.” Wow I thought. I know what I’m about to write isn’t true and it pains me to admit it, but I feel forgotten about by God. I feel left just to deal with the fall out from everything that has happened in my life. I don’t know where God is and I don’t know how he is working. I can’t see him at all. I’m fragile but weirdly my faith doesn’t feel fragile. I’m not going to walk away from God. I realised after 26 years I cannot. So I’m hear silently waiting at a spiritual bus stop whimpering in pain waiting for God to do something. Anything really.

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
This entry was posted in Bereavement, Faith, Life, loss, Widow and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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