Crying

Bereavement counselling was hard yesterday… like all the times it has been difficult I have floated around the hard bits until about 10 mins before the session is due to finish and then discovered/admitted what was really going on…. this is my way of doing things which is not helpful. My counsellor reminds me very much of a Priest I know and one of my Youth Workers growing up. Mainly because eventually, they get the crux of the matter out of me and somehow that forces me to deal with it…dealing with the issue normally takes time though and I will still skirt round it at any opportunity I have.  What a pain in the neck I am, here are people trying to help me and they almost have to literally pin me down to get the real stuff out of me. Makes me feel like such a fraud for 90% of the time. In a nutshell, what I learned yesterday was I need to cry more…. not what I wanted to hear. I don’t like crying. I never used to mind it, but since John died its been horrible. And I have had to stop myself crying at times cause my eyes were so swollen I could hardly see out of them….for days… so it’s not as if I haven’t cried, I have, but for some reason, it would appear, not enough. How much is enough though?  Maybe I should try just crying whenever I feel like it! Ha! Even the thought horrifies me….maybe I do have an issue?… Am I just a pride monkey? That may well be the case, but no! I’m not having that, how can you go about living your life when you are crying every 4 seconds? Grrr… I’m frustrated. I definitely don’t want to suppress my grief, but at the same time, I want to be able to actually function…which potentially if I was crying all the time I wouldn’t be able to. In my last post, I spoke about how I have to build myself back up countless times a day. Well, crying is one of the things that knocks me down… and now the advice coming is to cry more?… to be fair I have just confused myself. I understand I have to give myself time etc etc, but again how much is enough?  And I feel like such a narcissist by thinking about myself so much. Man alive! I’m so bored of me. I’m doing my own head in. I’ve got to go and doing something else before I crack up completely.